So, as I sit here pondering what might come over the next 12 months, because who knows what Boris or the Government will throw at us….I am considering my own control. How in control of my life am I?

There are many things that I want to achieve!

I want to lose weight!

I want to publish my own book!

I want to continue with my photography and complete my courses!

And all of this I want to focus on! I don’t currently work, those who know my personal circumstances know why, but I find I concentrate more on my friends and family and nothing else! I love everyone who is close to me, but they don’t know the real me. Not really. I struggle daily with anxiety and stress – this isn’t helped by my constantly lacking confidence.

So, my aim is to achieve something solid in the next 12 months – I want to lose weight, I want to be ready to have my book published and I want to be pulling in the photography qualifications…

Everyone has New Years resolutions but this isn’t one of them! This is me trying to turn my life around and trying to feel better about myself!

youtu.be/rUtnn5LZaQU

For the past 12 months, my son, Ethan has been talking and talking and asking and asking about becoming a gaming YouTuber like Ethan Gamer and Stampy….but it was only on Christmas Day that he was able to start practicing what he wanted to do! New laptop, camera and accounts in place, he has finally recorded his first video! I would be so great grateful if you could pop on over and check it out! He’s very excited

S x

Hi all!

It’s been a while since I wrote on here. I have had a busy, baby filled 6 months or more. Baby Aaron is doing marvellous. He has been just what we needed to heal from all of the trauma from the past few years. Life has a horrible way of changing from good to bad in a blink of an eye so I am enjoying what I have at the moment.

But I would be lying if I said that all was okay now. I still feel like I suffer a little with PTSD after losing the baby and nearly losing my husband, and I have days when I struggle to believe in myself. I want to feel happy when I look in the mirror – but I don’t. I don’t want to keep feeling paranoid about my friends and family. I stress and bother over every little thing. A cross of words, or the lack of. I worry that I am not a good enough friend but then I tell myself I am. My friends cross my mind nearly everyday. I wonder what they are doing and whether they are okay. I text, I message but I don’t call. And why don’t I call them I hear you say? Because I think that they won’t want to hear from me – my paranoia is that deep that I feel anxious and stomach churney when I think of picking up and tapping on my contacts list. I want to love myself more, but I don’t think I ever will. I see those girls who dress beautifully and I want that to be me but my heart is not in it. I want to travel and see the world but my heart is not in it. I worry over every little thing….and being disliked or the fear of being disliked is big.

Will my kids like me when they are older?

Who do I want to be?

What do I want to do?

I know one of the biggest things I can do to help myself is to lose weight and then the confidence would come, but I am so low at days that I can’t get the motivation together to get myself to do it. I know I need to try! I need to push myself forward and I need to do this for me and my boys, but I feel like a failure before I have even begun