The Tormenter

Short Story
By Stephanie Geary

Sitting outside the school gates, I wait nervously for Stan Foster to come out of class. My mind whirls at the prospect of seeing him, knowing what I must do. Nerves and fear play a part in making my decisions. I can see a crowd forming, they have heard about what will be happening shortly. Hands in pockets, I glance at the growing audience, knowing that I am about to be put on display and that I must perform. My hands are clammy, and I wipe them roughly down my school trousers. I pull a handful of change from my pocket and count the coins.

Not enough, I need more.

What will he say about that?

I see him making his way out of the school, a group of friends surrounding him, offering him encouragement. They all look this way, none of them wanting to admit that they play a part in this scenario. As they get closer, I feel my heart racing, adrenaline kicks in and I feel ready. My eyes never steel away from his, I stare him down and gulp down on the salty saliva building up in the back of mouth and throat. I feel nauseous, but I know that is due to the fire burning in my gut.

Racing towards Stan, I see the fear in his eyes as he sees me, his secondary school bully approaching him. He looks at me, tears ready to spill from his eyes and I feel the raw fear that comes from his every pore.

And I love it.

I wish that I didn’t! I feel the hold that I have over him and the feeling of being powerful is like a drug I can’t get enough of. I clench my fists eagerly.

My audience waits as I approach my prey; all eyes are on me. I cannot let them down.

 

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40 is fast approaching…

Being 40 was a number that seemed decades away when I was 17. People who were 40 seemed old to me, and I felt like I had years of life in between to do before I got there.

The years passed by, ticking off each year succinctly – faster and faster, each year galloping past before I got to where I stand now….merely 10 months away from my big 4-0 birthday! How did that happen?

I knew I was close to turning 40 when I was 36,37,38 and then 39 but being here now, months away feels weird. I wish there was another word I could say, but it’s just weird. I accepted my 20’s gratefully, I felt grown up and ready to take on the world….my 30’s followed behind but again I felt wiser and older – now, I feel apprehensive and I am suddenly re-evaluating my life.

What have I accomplished in those years? I spent 15 years in the local authority, at the end of which I hated. I ran a somewhat successful photography business – low-key but successful. And I married my best friend and had 3 children.

But what about all of those dreams and ambitions I had? What about the plans I had and the life I had planned out? I wanted to be an actress – I wanted to write a bestseller and I wanted to work as a photographer in the tv industry….amongst all else I wanted to be successful.

I managed to have photography as a career, but I am now going back to college to improve my skill, to make myself a better photographer and to build on my qualifications.

I manage a blog, but anyone these days does that. It’s not successful….it’s got less than 600 followers – and it’s basically just a diary for me to rant into…

And the tv industry work – well, I can say without earnest that I am afraid to try! I am overweight, I feel uncomfortable in my body and I have always seen myself as lacking. Those clips and tv shows which depict someone’s anxiety as they walk into a room full of people – yes, that’s me! I am that girl whose paranoia eats away at her as she enters a room. People think I am happy and confident because I put on a front but I am far from it.

And lastly, there is my weight. I always saw myself as a slim fit attractive woman….and inside I am. It’s the outside that I am struggling with…..but where do I start? Diet, yes….exercise? Of course – but I find I fail at every hurdle! Before I conquer some of these dreams, I first need to make myself believe in myself! I need to feel happy in my skin….but I am far from there – and my mind is seeing the path ahead and hoping that I don’t waste what I have.

I love my family, and I love my life with them, but I want to be happier with me. I want to do something for me! I want to be that photographer that people talk about! I want people to be reading my book and i want to see my name in the credits on television!

A part of me wonders if I am too little, too late and I have even Googled that same thing….but I need to try! I won’t forgive myself if I don’t!

Day 2 of 2021

I feel calmer right now. I have took down the Christmas decorations, tidied away the presents and chocolate gifts and I fee at peace sitting here next to my 6 month old son, whilst my husband is out playing in the snow with our older boys.

Just having a fresh clean about can bring calm and serenity! I feel at peace. Nobody can bother me right now

Day 1 of 2021

I woke up feeling positive and I wrote in my brand spanking new notebook – noting all of the tasks I wanted to complete today! Having got myself into a bit of rut with how I spend my day; it was difficult to focus, but I found I ticked up some items on my list.

I spent more care with my skin, and I did just that. I cleansed, toned, polished and moisturised, leaving me feeling smooth and soft. To the point where I can’t stop stroking myself.

I started on my healthier eating and added fruit into my diet (which has been absent for a few months) – I can do vegetables no problem but I struggle with fruit! And I ticked that off my list!

Why I didn’t achieve was not letting people stress me out and cause anxiety. I have a tendency to hold on to past relationships tightly, not wanting to admit that they are less close or that they are almost non existent – this causes me to try to break down why someone is more distant with me than usual – and I generally end up blaming myself. My lack of confident and low self esteem creates this paranoia that I can’t shake, and I question why people would even bother with me at all! I find I am surrounded at times by negative influences – I have those around me that raise a smile all the time! Just a few words from them and I am beaming and my whole day feels better – but then there are those who don’t seem to care as much about me. Those who wish to be stand offish, or moody. Those who make me feel awkward and on edge just being around them. I made a point to myself that this year I wouldn’t take as much notice and that I would shrug it off! Those who want to be in my life will…..and then I feel the familiar pull of tears, the twinges in my stomach that knot and pull, and I realise I am still letting people get to me.

It’s day 1, and I feel like I have fell at the first hurdle! This isn’t over though, I will continue to push forward. My mental health isn’t always great, eventhough I don’t admit to many…..and I just want to have a happier and healthier new year

S x

Weight loss in a year!

So, as I sit here pondering what might come over the next 12 months, because who knows what Boris or the Government will throw at us….I am considering my own control. How in control of my life am I?

There are many things that I want to achieve!

I want to lose weight!

I want to publish my own book!

I want to continue with my photography and complete my courses!

And all of this I want to focus on! I don’t currently work, those who know my personal circumstances know why, but I find I concentrate more on my friends and family and nothing else! I love everyone who is close to me, but they don’t know the real me. Not really. I struggle daily with anxiety and stress – this isn’t helped by my constantly lacking confidence.

So, my aim is to achieve something solid in the next 12 months – I want to lose weight, I want to be ready to have my book published and I want to be pulling in the photography qualifications…

Everyone has New Years resolutions but this isn’t one of them! This is me trying to turn my life around and trying to feel better about myself!

My sons YouTube channel!

youtu.be/rUtnn5LZaQU

For the past 12 months, my son, Ethan has been talking and talking and asking and asking about becoming a gaming YouTuber like Ethan Gamer and Stampy….but it was only on Christmas Day that he was able to start practicing what he wanted to do! New laptop, camera and accounts in place, he has finally recorded his first video! I would be so great grateful if you could pop on over and check it out! He’s very excited

S x

It’s been a while….take 2

Hi all!

It’s been a while since I wrote on here. I have had a busy, baby filled 6 months or more. Baby Aaron is doing marvellous. He has been just what we needed to heal from all of the trauma from the past few years. Life has a horrible way of changing from good to bad in a blink of an eye so I am enjoying what I have at the moment.

But I would be lying if I said that all was okay now. I still feel like I suffer a little with PTSD after losing the baby and nearly losing my husband, and I have days when I struggle to believe in myself. I want to feel happy when I look in the mirror – but I don’t. I don’t want to keep feeling paranoid about my friends and family. I stress and bother over every little thing. A cross of words, or the lack of. I worry that I am not a good enough friend but then I tell myself I am. My friends cross my mind nearly everyday. I wonder what they are doing and whether they are okay. I text, I message but I don’t call. And why don’t I call them I hear you say? Because I think that they won’t want to hear from me – my paranoia is that deep that I feel anxious and stomach churney when I think of picking up and tapping on my contacts list. I want to love myself more, but I don’t think I ever will. I see those girls who dress beautifully and I want that to be me but my heart is not in it. I want to travel and see the world but my heart is not in it. I worry over every little thing….and being disliked or the fear of being disliked is big.

Will my kids like me when they are older?

Who do I want to be?

What do I want to do?

I know one of the biggest things I can do to help myself is to lose weight and then the confidence would come, but I am so low at days that I can’t get the motivation together to get myself to do it. I know I need to try! I need to push myself forward and I need to do this for me and my boys, but I feel like a failure before I have even begun

Slimming World….I’m back!

So today at 5.30pm I will be returning to the lovingly named, Fat Club. I will step on those scales almost 9 weeks after having my baby, with the extra baby weight pounds…I am part nervous and part excited to get back on track with it all….I know my body shape has changed and I am in need of pulling it back to where I want it to be so that I can be happy with myself – because at the moment, I’m not. I look in the mirror sideways, and fleetingly, not wanting to see the rounded tum, the fat thighs or flabby butt…..

So, here I go! My first step towards a better, healthier me. I have just ate my final greasy sandwich, and I am ready to fancy myself again 😉

Thursday 20th August

Just a couple of pics from Thursday…

Aaron having his morning nap.
Ethan chilling this morning watching Teen Titans
Oliver at Football Camp….just a little wet from the rain
Naughty Harry Pugger, sulking after being told off for biting up a sock… 😂
Out in the sun.
Scooter Fun for these two punks at the local park
Ethan clinging to the bars on the bandstand
Oliver and Harry investigate they memorial plaques
Harry Pugger
Oliver looking into the stream
Hanging around in the trees
Oliver monkeying around
Aaron waiting for final bottle before bed.

S x

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