Being 40 was a number that seemed decades away when I was 17. People who were 40 seemed old to me, and I felt like I had years of life in between to do before I got there.
The years passed by, ticking off each year succinctly – faster and faster, each year galloping past before I got to where I stand now….merely 10 months away from my big 4-0 birthday! How did that happen?
I knew I was close to turning 40 when I was 36,37,38 and then 39 but being here now, months away feels weird. I wish there was another word I could say, but it’s just weird. I accepted my 20’s gratefully, I felt grown up and ready to take on the world….my 30’s followed behind but again I felt wiser and older – now, I feel apprehensive and I am suddenly re-evaluating my life.
What have I accomplished in those years? I spent 15 years in the local authority, at the end of which I hated. I ran a somewhat successful photography business – low-key but successful. And I married my best friend and had 3 children.
But what about all of those dreams and ambitions I had? What about the plans I had and the life I had planned out? I wanted to be an actress – I wanted to write a bestseller and I wanted to work as a photographer in the tv industry….amongst all else I wanted to be successful.
I managed to have photography as a career, but I am now going back to college to improve my skill, to make myself a better photographer and to build on my qualifications.
I manage a blog, but anyone these days does that. It’s not successful….it’s got less than 600 followers – and it’s basically just a diary for me to rant into…
And the tv industry work – well, I can say without earnest that I am afraid to try! I am overweight, I feel uncomfortable in my body and I have always seen myself as lacking. Those clips and tv shows which depict someone’s anxiety as they walk into a room full of people – yes, that’s me! I am that girl whose paranoia eats away at her as she enters a room. People think I am happy and confident because I put on a front but I am far from it.
And lastly, there is my weight. I always saw myself as a slim fit attractive woman….and inside I am. It’s the outside that I am struggling with…..but where do I start? Diet, yes….exercise? Of course – but I find I fail at every hurdle! Before I conquer some of these dreams, I first need to make myself believe in myself! I need to feel happy in my skin….but I am far from there – and my mind is seeing the path ahead and hoping that I don’t waste what I have.
I love my family, and I love my life with them, but I want to be happier with me. I want to do something for me! I want to be that photographer that people talk about! I want people to be reading my book and i want to see my name in the credits on television!
A part of me wonders if I am too little, too late and I have even Googled that same thing….but I need to try! I won’t forgive myself if I don’t!