40 is fast approaching…

Being 40 was a number that seemed decades away when I was 17. People who were 40 seemed old to me, and I felt like I had years of life in between to do before I got there.

The years passed by, ticking off each year succinctly – faster and faster, each year galloping past before I got to where I stand now….merely 10 months away from my big 4-0 birthday! How did that happen?

I knew I was close to turning 40 when I was 36,37,38 and then 39 but being here now, months away feels weird. I wish there was another word I could say, but it’s just weird. I accepted my 20’s gratefully, I felt grown up and ready to take on the world….my 30’s followed behind but again I felt wiser and older – now, I feel apprehensive and I am suddenly re-evaluating my life.

What have I accomplished in those years? I spent 15 years in the local authority, at the end of which I hated. I ran a somewhat successful photography business – low-key but successful. And I married my best friend and had 3 children.

But what about all of those dreams and ambitions I had? What about the plans I had and the life I had planned out? I wanted to be an actress – I wanted to write a bestseller and I wanted to work as a photographer in the tv industry….amongst all else I wanted to be successful.

I managed to have photography as a career, but I am now going back to college to improve my skill, to make myself a better photographer and to build on my qualifications.

I manage a blog, but anyone these days does that. It’s not successful….it’s got less than 600 followers – and it’s basically just a diary for me to rant into…

And the tv industry work – well, I can say without earnest that I am afraid to try! I am overweight, I feel uncomfortable in my body and I have always seen myself as lacking. Those clips and tv shows which depict someone’s anxiety as they walk into a room full of people – yes, that’s me! I am that girl whose paranoia eats away at her as she enters a room. People think I am happy and confident because I put on a front but I am far from it.

And lastly, there is my weight. I always saw myself as a slim fit attractive woman….and inside I am. It’s the outside that I am struggling with…..but where do I start? Diet, yes….exercise? Of course – but I find I fail at every hurdle! Before I conquer some of these dreams, I first need to make myself believe in myself! I need to feel happy in my skin….but I am far from there – and my mind is seeing the path ahead and hoping that I don’t waste what I have.

I love my family, and I love my life with them, but I want to be happier with me. I want to do something for me! I want to be that photographer that people talk about! I want people to be reading my book and i want to see my name in the credits on television!

A part of me wonders if I am too little, too late and I have even Googled that same thing….but I need to try! I won’t forgive myself if I don’t!

Day 2 of 2021

I feel calmer right now. I have took down the Christmas decorations, tidied away the presents and chocolate gifts and I fee at peace sitting here next to my 6 month old son, whilst my husband is out playing in the snow with our older boys.

Just having a fresh clean about can bring calm and serenity! I feel at peace. Nobody can bother me right now

Day 1 of 2021

I woke up feeling positive and I wrote in my brand spanking new notebook – noting all of the tasks I wanted to complete today! Having got myself into a bit of rut with how I spend my day; it was difficult to focus, but I found I ticked up some items on my list.

I spent more care with my skin, and I did just that. I cleansed, toned, polished and moisturised, leaving me feeling smooth and soft. To the point where I can’t stop stroking myself.

I started on my healthier eating and added fruit into my diet (which has been absent for a few months) – I can do vegetables no problem but I struggle with fruit! And I ticked that off my list!

Why I didn’t achieve was not letting people stress me out and cause anxiety. I have a tendency to hold on to past relationships tightly, not wanting to admit that they are less close or that they are almost non existent – this causes me to try to break down why someone is more distant with me than usual – and I generally end up blaming myself. My lack of confident and low self esteem creates this paranoia that I can’t shake, and I question why people would even bother with me at all! I find I am surrounded at times by negative influences – I have those around me that raise a smile all the time! Just a few words from them and I am beaming and my whole day feels better – but then there are those who don’t seem to care as much about me. Those who wish to be stand offish, or moody. Those who make me feel awkward and on edge just being around them. I made a point to myself that this year I wouldn’t take as much notice and that I would shrug it off! Those who want to be in my life will…..and then I feel the familiar pull of tears, the twinges in my stomach that knot and pull, and I realise I am still letting people get to me.

It’s day 1, and I feel like I have fell at the first hurdle! This isn’t over though, I will continue to push forward. My mental health isn’t always great, eventhough I don’t admit to many…..and I just want to have a happier and healthier new year

S x

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