I woke up feeling positive and I wrote in my brand spanking new notebook – noting all of the tasks I wanted to complete today! Having got myself into a bit of rut with how I spend my day; it was difficult to focus, but I found I ticked up some items on my list.

I spent more care with my skin, and I did just that. I cleansed, toned, polished and moisturised, leaving me feeling smooth and soft. To the point where I can’t stop stroking myself.

I started on my healthier eating and added fruit into my diet (which has been absent for a few months) – I can do vegetables no problem but I struggle with fruit! And I ticked that off my list!

Why I didn’t achieve was not letting people stress me out and cause anxiety. I have a tendency to hold on to past relationships tightly, not wanting to admit that they are less close or that they are almost non existent – this causes me to try to break down why someone is more distant with me than usual – and I generally end up blaming myself. My lack of confident and low self esteem creates this paranoia that I can’t shake, and I question why people would even bother with me at all! I find I am surrounded at times by negative influences – I have those around me that raise a smile all the time! Just a few words from them and I am beaming and my whole day feels better – but then there are those who don’t seem to care as much about me. Those who wish to be stand offish, or moody. Those who make me feel awkward and on edge just being around them. I made a point to myself that this year I wouldn’t take as much notice and that I would shrug it off! Those who want to be in my life will…..and then I feel the familiar pull of tears, the twinges in my stomach that knot and pull, and I realise I am still letting people get to me.

It’s day 1, and I feel like I have fell at the first hurdle! This isn’t over though, I will continue to push forward. My mental health isn’t always great, eventhough I don’t admit to many…..and I just want to have a happier and healthier new year

S x

So, as I sit here pondering what might come over the next 12 months, because who knows what Boris or the Government will throw at us….I am considering my own control. How in control of my life am I?

There are many things that I want to achieve!

I want to lose weight!

I want to publish my own book!

I want to continue with my photography and complete my courses!

And all of this I want to focus on! I don’t currently work, those who know my personal circumstances know why, but I find I concentrate more on my friends and family and nothing else! I love everyone who is close to me, but they don’t know the real me. Not really. I struggle daily with anxiety and stress – this isn’t helped by my constantly lacking confidence.

So, my aim is to achieve something solid in the next 12 months – I want to lose weight, I want to be ready to have my book published and I want to be pulling in the photography qualifications…

Everyone has New Years resolutions but this isn’t one of them! This is me trying to turn my life around and trying to feel better about myself!

youtu.be/rUtnn5LZaQU

For the past 12 months, my son, Ethan has been talking and talking and asking and asking about becoming a gaming YouTuber like Ethan Gamer and Stampy….but it was only on Christmas Day that he was able to start practicing what he wanted to do! New laptop, camera and accounts in place, he has finally recorded his first video! I would be so great grateful if you could pop on over and check it out! He’s very excited

S x

Hi all!

It’s been a while since I wrote on here. I have had a busy, baby filled 6 months or more. Baby Aaron is doing marvellous. He has been just what we needed to heal from all of the trauma from the past few years. Life has a horrible way of changing from good to bad in a blink of an eye so I am enjoying what I have at the moment.

But I would be lying if I said that all was okay now. I still feel like I suffer a little with PTSD after losing the baby and nearly losing my husband, and I have days when I struggle to believe in myself. I want to feel happy when I look in the mirror – but I don’t. I don’t want to keep feeling paranoid about my friends and family. I stress and bother over every little thing. A cross of words, or the lack of. I worry that I am not a good enough friend but then I tell myself I am. My friends cross my mind nearly everyday. I wonder what they are doing and whether they are okay. I text, I message but I don’t call. And why don’t I call them I hear you say? Because I think that they won’t want to hear from me – my paranoia is that deep that I feel anxious and stomach churney when I think of picking up and tapping on my contacts list. I want to love myself more, but I don’t think I ever will. I see those girls who dress beautifully and I want that to be me but my heart is not in it. I want to travel and see the world but my heart is not in it. I worry over every little thing….and being disliked or the fear of being disliked is big.

Will my kids like me when they are older?

Who do I want to be?

What do I want to do?

I know one of the biggest things I can do to help myself is to lose weight and then the confidence would come, but I am so low at days that I can’t get the motivation together to get myself to do it. I know I need to try! I need to push myself forward and I need to do this for me and my boys, but I feel like a failure before I have even begun

So today at 5.30pm I will be returning to the lovingly named, Fat Club. I will step on those scales almost 9 weeks after having my baby, with the extra baby weight pounds…I am part nervous and part excited to get back on track with it all….I know my body shape has changed and I am in need of pulling it back to where I want it to be so that I can be happy with myself – because at the moment, I’m not. I look in the mirror sideways, and fleetingly, not wanting to see the rounded tum, the fat thighs or flabby butt…..

So, here I go! My first step towards a better, healthier me. I have just ate my final greasy sandwich, and I am ready to fancy myself again 😉

Hi all

We all know that the weekdays can race by with exceptional speed. Days, hours and minutes blend into one, before we are brought to the quiet, breath-catcher day that is Sunday. For some this day would be just as mad and busy as the rest of the week but for me it means I get to breathe for a moment. I slow down and reflect on the week that has passed, taking in the moments that have helped to make my life that bit easier and those moments that I wish I could change.

Nobody knows what life will bring from one minute to the next. Plans can change quite rapidly and we can find ourselves vying between moments of complete happiness to moments of sadness. The news we see everyday can be enough to instill fear, worry and anxiety to ones life. I can count on one hand the amount of stories I read in one day that are empowering and inspiring. But doom and gloom? Those stories are the ones that the newspapers and media like to tell.

Why is that? Why do we prefer blood shed and trauma to feel good stories?

The world is a huge wonderful place, full of amazing people, amazing places and endless possibilities but we hone in on the bad.

COVID-19, BLM, Terrorist plots, celebrity deaths; all of this plus the usual ‘build-them-up-and-knock-them-down’ mentality of the press towards celebrities makes for dreary reading and we lap it up in buckets.

Yesterday, I spent the day at my mothers house. Eating a Sunday roast, catching up with my family and feeling that little bit more normal for it. I social distanced, I refrained from hugging from people, (which feels alien to me) but I got to see them. It made my day yesterday that little bit better. I can handle the changing guidelines and the ‘bubbles’ we create to allow social connection during this lockdown shit (apologies) but I have never been able to handle not seeing my people – those that help make me the person that I am. Bit by bit I want to head towards a normal that is okay for me. I want to see those that I love. I don’t care about cinema trips, or restaurants reopening. I could go a year or more before needing to step inside anywhere like that, but being apart from my family and friends, that is the hardest part of all.