So, as I sit here pondering what might come over the next 12 months, because who knows what Boris or the Government will throw at us….I am considering my own control. How in control of my life am I?
There are many things that I want to achieve!
I want to lose weight!
I want to publish my own book!
I want to continue with my photography and complete my courses!
And all of this I want to focus on! I don’t currently work, those who know my personal circumstances know why, but I find I concentrate more on my friends and family and nothing else! I love everyone who is close to me, but they don’t know the real me. Not really. I struggle daily with anxiety and stress – this isn’t helped by my constantly lacking confidence.
So, my aim is to achieve something solid in the next 12 months – I want to lose weight, I want to be ready to have my book published and I want to be pulling in the photography qualifications…
Everyone has New Years resolutions but this isn’t one of them! This is me trying to turn my life around and trying to feel better about myself!
For the past 12 months, my son, Ethan has been talking and talking and asking and asking about becoming a gaming YouTuber like Ethan Gamer and Stampy….but it was only on Christmas Day that he was able to start practicing what he wanted to do! New laptop, camera and accounts in place, he has finally recorded his first video! I would be so great grateful if you could pop on over and check it out! He’s very excited
It’s been a while since I wrote on here. I have had a busy, baby filled 6 months or more. Baby Aaron is doing marvellous. He has been just what we needed to heal from all of the trauma from the past few years. Life has a horrible way of changing from good to bad in a blink of an eye so I am enjoying what I have at the moment.
But I would be lying if I said that all was okay now. I still feel like I suffer a little with PTSD after losing the baby and nearly losing my husband, and I have days when I struggle to believe in myself. I want to feel happy when I look in the mirror – but I don’t. I don’t want to keep feeling paranoid about my friends and family. I stress and bother over every little thing. A cross of words, or the lack of. I worry that I am not a good enough friend but then I tell myself I am. My friends cross my mind nearly everyday. I wonder what they are doing and whether they are okay. I text, I message but I don’t call. And why don’t I call them I hear you say? Because I think that they won’t want to hear from me – my paranoia is that deep that I feel anxious and stomach churney when I think of picking up and tapping on my contacts list. I want to love myself more, but I don’t think I ever will. I see those girls who dress beautifully and I want that to be me but my heart is not in it. I want to travel and see the world but my heart is not in it. I worry over every little thing….and being disliked or the fear of being disliked is big.
Will my kids like me when they are older?
Who do I want to be?
What do I want to do?
I know one of the biggest things I can do to help myself is to lose weight and then the confidence would come, but I am so low at days that I can’t get the motivation together to get myself to do it. I know I need to try! I need to push myself forward and I need to do this for me and my boys, but I feel like a failure before I have even begun
So today at 5.30pm I will be returning to the lovingly named, Fat Club. I will step on those scales almost 9 weeks after having my baby, with the extra baby weight pounds…I am part nervous and part excited to get back on track with it all….I know my body shape has changed and I am in need of pulling it back to where I want it to be so that I can be happy with myself – because at the moment, I’m not. I look in the mirror sideways, and fleetingly, not wanting to see the rounded tum, the fat thighs or flabby butt…..
So, here I go! My first step towards a better, healthier me. I have just ate my final greasy sandwich, and I am ready to fancy myself again 😉
I write this whilst I sit cuddled up to my family. Ethan is right next to me, Oliver is in front, between my legs, heading resting back against me, Stew is on the other side of sofa and he is holding our baby, Aaron. I am chilled, relaxed and happy.
We have chose a film to watch before we take the two older boys to bed. Short Circuit 2 is the movie of choice! We watched the first last week and now we are following Johnny 5 again! I watched my boys eagerly, hoping for some sign of emotion when he got beaten up by the bad guys….but there was none. I remember crying my eyes out at that when I was younger, and I had a lump the size of a gherkin tonight….but my boys are hardcore I think! 😂
Today has been busy, with boys at football camp and shopping, but it’s been a good one. All the correct safety procedures are in place wherever we go, but I am just so conscious of trying to lead a normal life (or as normal as possible) with my kids.
The weather wasn’t great for outdoor football, and they came back pretty wet, but it did them the world of good having some normality back and being able to socialise with other people their own age. They have spent so much time with adults the past 5-6 months, and it was nice seeing them reconnect with their friends. Oliver got a cuddle off one of his. This lockdown is needed, and I know that, but it is heartbreaking how much has changed for my boys. Just another 2 weeks and they will be back at school; and yes, there will be some differences to their daily routine when they are back, but at least it will feel somewhere close to what they had before.
We all know that the weekdays can race by with exceptional speed. Days, hours and minutes blend into one, before we are brought to the quiet, breath-catcher day that is Sunday. For some this day would be just as mad and busy as the rest of the week but for me it means I get to breathe for a moment. I slow down and reflect on the week that has passed, taking in the moments that have helped to make my life that bit easier and those moments that I wish I could change.
Nobody knows what life will bring from one minute to the next. Plans can change quite rapidly and we can find ourselves vying between moments of complete happiness to moments of sadness. The news we see everyday can be enough to instill fear, worry and anxiety to ones life. I can count on one hand the amount of stories I read in one day that are empowering and inspiring. But doom and gloom? Those stories are the ones that the newspapers and media like to tell.
Why is that? Why do we prefer blood shed and trauma to feel good stories?
The world is a huge wonderful place, full of amazing people, amazing places and endless possibilities but we hone in on the bad.
COVID-19, BLM, Terrorist plots, celebrity deaths; all of this plus the usual ‘build-them-up-and-knock-them-down’ mentality of the press towards celebrities makes for dreary reading and we lap it up in buckets.
Yesterday, I spent the day at my mothers house. Eating a Sunday roast, catching up with my family and feeling that little bit more normal for it. I social distanced, I refrained from hugging from people, (which feels alien to me) but I got to see them. It made my day yesterday that little bit better. I can handle the changing guidelines and the ‘bubbles’ we create to allow social connection during this lockdown shit (apologies) but I have never been able to handle not seeing my people – those that help make me the person that I am. Bit by bit I want to head towards a normal that is okay for me. I want to see those that I love. I don’t care about cinema trips, or restaurants reopening. I could go a year or more before needing to step inside anywhere like that, but being apart from my family and friends, that is the hardest part of all.
Yes, I know it’s been a while, but I promise that I have a very good reason for why I have been absent. 5 weeks ago, I was in hospital giving birth to my adorably, cute son, Aaron. Needless to say, my days and nights have been filled with feeding, burping, nappy changes, sleep deprivation and recovery. But I am very eager to get myself back into the writing game. So what better way to do that then to introduce you to my youngest and FINAL addition to our family. I am the very proud mother of 3 boys now… Ethan, 9, Oliver, 5, and now Aaron. I am surrounded by males. My husband and Pug, Harry, contributing towards the testosterone! But I couldn’t be happier.
But, some of you may have noticed that I have been a bit quiet prior to having my son. When I found out I was pregnant late last year, I was torn between my emotions. I was excited but completely nervous and scared at the same time. Knowing that my previous pregnancy had ended so traumatically at 17 weeks, and knowing how that had had a profound effect on me as a person, I was a nervous wreck from the moment I saw that positive sign on the pregnancy stick.
As many of you have probably read in previous posts of mine, then I have had a pretty rubbish time of it in the past 3-4 years. Starting with my husband being badly injured in a road traffic accident, to me losing my baby and then to losing my father in law. And so, I had struggled to feel like myself for such a long time. Sure, I plastered a smile on my face when I saw my friends and family but for a long time I felt numb inside. I tried to focus on my boys and get past each day, but I struggled to find anything that made me feel positive. I love my family, but I just felt lost. It came to a head when I felt like I couldn’t get the right support at work. My sickness record was affected as the stress and anxiety came to a head, but I felt like nobody really understood how I was feeling. There is a silence when depression is discussed, as nobody really understands it unless they have been there themselves. It is an invisible ailment and most people struggle to see it as an illness. I tried to concentrate on my work, but often found myself feeling more and more lost. I never got the right support, I never felt like I was listened to and eventually I decided to leave my job. It wasn’t the easiest decision, I had been there for almost 15 years and I loved the people I worked with and the work I did, but I needed to make a decision for me and my family. And I chose them over financial security. We were far off being destitute so I knew we would be okay until I figured out what I wanted to do.
My pregnancy brought up so many feelings within me. I was a nervous wreck, I had deep paranoia over every stage. I questioned my own body and the symptoms or lack of that I was experiencing. I felt on edge from day 1 of the pregnancy. I questioned the sickness days, I worried over lack of movement and I lay waiting for hours to feel something….anything. I did what midwives and doctors tell you not to do. I brought a Doppler and I listened obsessively every night for the babies heartbeat and even when I did find it then I questioned how it was beating, whether it was beating hard enough or strong enough. Nothing reassured me. As I sailed through each scan, I looked away from the screen, convinced that I would see a lifeless baby again. Nothing dulled my sense of worry. Even in the last few weeks….
Looking back, it feels like those 10 months went super fast. March saw the start of lockdown and social distancing and this helped to super speed those final months. But during that time, looking ahead at the pregnancy time ahead, it felt long and scary.
And yet here I am….I have come out the other side. I am sitting watching classic eastenders, a glass of cold wine in one hand (just one mind) and an ear on the Moses basket, waiting for Aaron to wake for his feed. I feel like I am a completely different person to what I have been living with the past 4 years. I am happy. I am looking positively ahead for the first time in ages and I feel ready to start getting myself back on track healthwise, career wise and happiness wise.
Tomorrow is a new day. I am eager to get myself in a better frame of mind. I will eat better, I will allocate my time better, I will work towards my future and I will take tips from brilliant instagrammers like Mrs Hinch and make my home somewhere to be proud of 🙂