It’s been a while since I wrote on here. I have had a busy, baby filled 6 months or more. Baby Aaron is doing marvellous. He has been just what we needed to heal from all of the trauma from the past few years. Life has a horrible way of changing from good to bad in a blink of an eye so I am enjoying what I have at the moment.
But I would be lying if I said that all was okay now. I still feel like I suffer a little with PTSD after losing the baby and nearly losing my husband, and I have days when I struggle to believe in myself. I want to feel happy when I look in the mirror – but I don’t. I don’t want to keep feeling paranoid about my friends and family. I stress and bother over every little thing. A cross of words, or the lack of. I worry that I am not a good enough friend but then I tell myself I am. My friends cross my mind nearly everyday. I wonder what they are doing and whether they are okay. I text, I message but I don’t call. And why don’t I call them I hear you say? Because I think that they won’t want to hear from me – my paranoia is that deep that I feel anxious and stomach churney when I think of picking up and tapping on my contacts list. I want to love myself more, but I don’t think I ever will. I see those girls who dress beautifully and I want that to be me but my heart is not in it. I want to travel and see the world but my heart is not in it. I worry over every little thing….and being disliked or the fear of being disliked is big.
Will my kids like me when they are older?
Who do I want to be?
What do I want to do?
I know one of the biggest things I can do to help myself is to lose weight and then the confidence would come, but I am so low at days that I can’t get the motivation together to get myself to do it. I know I need to try! I need to push myself forward and I need to do this for me and my boys, but I feel like a failure before I have even begun