Writing

I am doing it. Slowly but surely, I am starting to get back into the swing of writing again and I am loving it. I have been keen to find work as a freelance writer. I am very much on the beginners ladder here, but I really want to get my teeth into work which will ultimately pay off.

There was once a time when I was looking at my photography as a ways to make money, and over time I gained a following and regular customers. I want to do that again, but with my writing.

 

So here I go….

Lonely but not alone

I have friends and family around me, people who care for me and who have been there for me, but I have struggled so much with anxiety and depression for the past couple of years, and it can feel so debilitating and so so lonely.

I suppose it started after my husbands accident and then carried on through into when I lost our 3rd child. There is a common belief by many that grief for an unborn child should be short lived – it’s not voiced but it’s in people’s ‘kind intentions’ and their almost abrupt ways of silencing the conversations. There was a time when I thought that I could get past anything and that time was a great healer, but now I know that time doesn’t heal….not really. I see my husband and how far he has come and I am proud! But the feelings I have are from loss I suffered. I carried that baby for 20 weeks, I felt it move and I gave birth to it and felt it slip away! Bit by bit the support and ‘shoulder-to-cry-ons’ fades, and I felt lost in my own black, deep, grief. The people I could talk to thinned out, and the feeling of being understood disappeared. I saw the cloaked looks as I started a conversation again about what I had been through….conversations were changed, my messages ignored and people became more abrupt with me when telling me that ‘it happens to everyone’ and ‘it’s happened for a reason’

I thought my feelings would get better over time, and for some days I believed it.

Not many know but I am currently 17 weeks pregnant. It’s a secret that I have shared only with those closest to me….I thought that being pregnant would ease how I felt about losing the baby but all it has done is created extra anxiety and stress. 17 weeks is the point at which my previous pregnancy ended and I am now wracked with all of these negative feelings. I want to believe that everything will be okay…but I can’t help but relating it to what happened before. I tell myself that I will feel different after my 2nd scan (which is where I found out about my miscarriage)

I am searching google all day for signs of things being wrong. Am I feeling the baby enough? Why did it move a lot yesterday but not so much today? Am I bleeding? Why do not feel nauseous today? All these feelings weren’t even a factor with my sons pregnancy…..

I do hope that I am okay, and that it’s just feelings rising from the traumatic pregnancy previously….but my mind keeps going back to the worst….and I feel numb to it all….I can’t look at baby things in shops with excitement or consider a future with a newborn.

Hopefully in time, if this pregnancy progresses well, then these feelings will dissipate and I will be able to envision the future with positivity.

Tired

So tired of thinking.

So tired of waiting.

So tired of dreaming.

So tired of worrying.

The days turn to weeks.

Weeks to months.

And then it is done.

Pain turns to joy.

Fear turns to hope.

Dreaming turns to reality.

But the future seems far.

Those days ahead are out of my reach.

I am tired of thinking.

Tired of waiting

Tired of dreaming

And so tired of worrying.

Another day, more writing…

I am doing fairly well today with keeping on track with my writing schedule! Day 2 and i am excited about how my story is coming along! 😀 still a LONNNNNG Way to go, but I am writing! Better to be doing than not doing, right? 😀

Word counts excite me

So, as I push ever onwards with my story…I feel such a rush and a sense of accomplishment when I see the word count rising!

Having spent the last few hours catching up with my part written novel and writing new chapters, I have increased my word count by more than 2,500 words! Go me! 😀

Writing away the Days

Due to one thing or another, I haven’t spent a lot of time on my blog as of late. In fact, I haven’t even switched on my computer. I really want to get back into writing. I have so many projects that I want to work on and so many avenues I want to pursue for work.

The whole reason for me giving up my day job was so that I could be at home more with my family, providing them with support, but it was also a good opportunity for me to dive into a career as a freelance writer. I have other ambitions that I will one day pursue and my craving to be a midwife has not disappeared, but for now I want to focus on trying my hand at writing professionally.

But where do I start? It’s so easy to sit on my computer chair, kick my computer into gear and get my fingers ready on the keys…..but then that’s where I pause….I don’t really know where to begin. I have seen many articles about writing as a freelance but the advice is sometimes outdated or not applicable to someone like me, who is just starting out.

A few months ago, I enrolled on the writers bureau writing course – this is for fiction writing and I am keen to get started but there is always something else to do or somewhere else to be. My mind has been distracted a lot in recent months but I am very keen to turn it all around.

I have got course folder out, and I am thinking about that first piece of work. I am drafting short stories and I am keen to get myself out there more.

I am going to start spending more hours writing, and hopefully turn out some work that may appeal to publishers etc.

Sleepless nights

Lying in bed, with my husband snoring beside me and I can’t sleep…..

I feel hot, so I stick my leg out but feel cold….so I pull it back in.

I feel uncomfortable and try to shift position but nothing works….

I feel anxious and stressed but I can’t really say why. I am going over and over things in my head, conversations I’ve had or not had, etc. I feel like I can’t relax, my stomach is in knots and my heart is racing….

There are so many things swimming around my head and I can’t switch any of it off….

I wish tonight was a one off but I’ve felt like this for so long now. This isn’t the first sleepless night I’ve had…

I must try to close my eyes….

More writing for 2020

One of the things that I haven’t done much of the last year is writing. I have taken part in book tours and worked with some fantastic authors but I want to put my own words to paper and hopefully publish my book. This year feels like it has flown by….and they will all combine and tumble ever forwards until there is no more time left. So with that in mind, I am going to make a conscious effort to be more assertive, to write more and plan more. I am going to use my ‘unemployed’ status to do all the things I wanted to do. I’m going to get myself ready for when i apply to university for the midwifery course I want to do, and I am going to write those books that have been in my mind for so so long. And more than anything, I am hoping to finally put the past few years behind me. I haven’t been the same person for such a long time and I want to have a more positive year. Let’s hope the year gives me everything I need and more!

Happy New Year everyone! I hope 2020 is good to you!

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