Yes, I know it’s been a while, but I promise that I have a very good reason for why I have been absent. 5 weeks ago, I was in hospital giving birth to my adorably, cute son, Aaron. Needless to say, my days and nights have been filled with feeding, burping, nappy changes, sleep deprivation and recovery. But I am very eager to get myself back into the writing game. So what better way to do that then to introduce you to my youngest and FINAL addition to our family. I am the very proud mother of 3 boys now… Ethan, 9, Oliver, 5, and now Aaron. I am surrounded by males. My husband and Pug, Harry, contributing towards the testosterone! But I couldn’t be happier.
But, some of you may have noticed that I have been a bit quiet prior to having my son. When I found out I was pregnant late last year, I was torn between my emotions. I was excited but completely nervous and scared at the same time. Knowing that my previous pregnancy had ended so traumatically at 17 weeks, and knowing how that had had a profound effect on me as a person, I was a nervous wreck from the moment I saw that positive sign on the pregnancy stick.
As many of you have probably read in previous posts of mine, then I have had a pretty rubbish time of it in the past 3-4 years. Starting with my husband being badly injured in a road traffic accident, to me losing my baby and then to losing my father in law. And so, I had struggled to feel like myself for such a long time. Sure, I plastered a smile on my face when I saw my friends and family but for a long time I felt numb inside. I tried to focus on my boys and get past each day, but I struggled to find anything that made me feel positive. I love my family, but I just felt lost. It came to a head when I felt like I couldn’t get the right support at work. My sickness record was affected as the stress and anxiety came to a head, but I felt like nobody really understood how I was feeling. There is a silence when depression is discussed, as nobody really understands it unless they have been there themselves. It is an invisible ailment and most people struggle to see it as an illness. I tried to concentrate on my work, but often found myself feeling more and more lost. I never got the right support, I never felt like I was listened to and eventually I decided to leave my job. It wasn’t the easiest decision, I had been there for almost 15 years and I loved the people I worked with and the work I did, but I needed to make a decision for me and my family. And I chose them over financial security. We were far off being destitute so I knew we would be okay until I figured out what I wanted to do.
My pregnancy brought up so many feelings within me. I was a nervous wreck, I had deep paranoia over every stage. I questioned my own body and the symptoms or lack of that I was experiencing. I felt on edge from day 1 of the pregnancy. I questioned the sickness days, I worried over lack of movement and I lay waiting for hours to feel something….anything. I did what midwives and doctors tell you not to do. I brought a Doppler and I listened obsessively every night for the babies heartbeat and even when I did find it then I questioned how it was beating, whether it was beating hard enough or strong enough. Nothing reassured me. As I sailed through each scan, I looked away from the screen, convinced that I would see a lifeless baby again. Nothing dulled my sense of worry. Even in the last few weeks….
Looking back, it feels like those 10 months went super fast. March saw the start of lockdown and social distancing and this helped to super speed those final months. But during that time, looking ahead at the pregnancy time ahead, it felt long and scary.
And yet here I am….I have come out the other side. I am sitting watching classic eastenders, a glass of cold wine in one hand (just one mind) and an ear on the Moses basket, waiting for Aaron to wake for his feed. I feel like I am a completely different person to what I have been living with the past 4 years. I am happy. I am looking positively ahead for the first time in ages and I feel ready to start getting myself back on track healthwise, career wise and happiness wise.
Tomorrow is a new day. I am eager to get myself in a better frame of mind. I will eat better, I will allocate my time better, I will work towards my future and I will take tips from brilliant instagrammers like Mrs Hinch and make my home somewhere to be proud of 🙂
I will post again soon!
Don’t go anywhere
Watch this space 😀