Lonely but not alone

I have friends and family around me, people who care for me and who have been there for me, but I have struggled so much with anxiety and depression for the past couple of years, and it can feel so debilitating and so so lonely.

I suppose it started after my husbands accident and then carried on through into when I lost our 3rd child. There is a common belief by many that grief for an unborn child should be short lived – it’s not voiced but it’s in people’s ‘kind intentions’ and their almost abrupt ways of silencing the conversations. There was a time when I thought that I could get past anything and that time was a great healer, but now I know that time doesn’t heal….not really. I see my husband and how far he has come and I am proud! But the feelings I have are from loss I suffered. I carried that baby for 20 weeks, I felt it move and I gave birth to it and felt it slip away! Bit by bit the support and ‘shoulder-to-cry-ons’ fades, and I felt lost in my own black, deep, grief. The people I could talk to thinned out, and the feeling of being understood disappeared. I saw the cloaked looks as I started a conversation again about what I had been through….conversations were changed, my messages ignored and people became more abrupt with me when telling me that ‘it happens to everyone’ and ‘it’s happened for a reason’

I thought my feelings would get better over time, and for some days I believed it.

Not many know but I am currently 17 weeks pregnant. It’s a secret that I have shared only with those closest to me….I thought that being pregnant would ease how I felt about losing the baby but all it has done is created extra anxiety and stress. 17 weeks is the point at which my previous pregnancy ended and I am now wracked with all of these negative feelings. I want to believe that everything will be okay…but I can’t help but relating it to what happened before. I tell myself that I will feel different after my 2nd scan (which is where I found out about my miscarriage)

I am searching google all day for signs of things being wrong. Am I feeling the baby enough? Why did it move a lot yesterday but not so much today? Am I bleeding? Why do not feel nauseous today? All these feelings weren’t even a factor with my sons pregnancy…..

I do hope that I am okay, and that it’s just feelings rising from the traumatic pregnancy previously….but my mind keeps going back to the worst….and I feel numb to it all….I can’t look at baby things in shops with excitement or consider a future with a newborn.

Hopefully in time, if this pregnancy progresses well, then these feelings will dissipate and I will be able to envision the future with positivity.

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